today hasn't been a particularly bad day... but it hasn't been a particularly good day, either. there has been a song in my heart (not in my head, because i don't know the words yet) for the past few days, but i just can't get it to form into my brain. i can't get the words right. i can't get the chords right. it's just a jumbled mess of a heart-cry. you know those? the "god i need you so much, but i just don't know how to ask or what to ask for".
it's so frustrating. you know, when we ask, when we want him with all of our hearts, he gives us himself. but hey god, what about the people who are shy!? what about the people who don't know how to ask? what about me?
hey god! what about me!?
i think i ask that a lot.
not just in this searching, but in a lot of the things i am learning. and i don't think it's bad... i don't mean it in a selfish way. i mean it in a way that says, "what does this mean for your relationship with me? what does this mean for US?"
so anyway, this song. it just feels so wrong for some reason:
chorus:
i am dark as night
when my past becomes so clear
when my flesh holds on too tight
that's when i need you near
jesus used to give me words for my songs. i have so many songs that when i read them i think to myself, "my mind is not capable of creating such beauty." why can't i do that now? it's not for me. i don't want them for me. i want them for YOU, jesus.
1 comment:
mmm... I feel ya... bleh. but about this block thing: when I paint or dance sometimes I try so hard to get things "right" that I just can't seem to make anything work at all. but I have to walk away. trying so hard just makes you cramp up (ha?) and freeze. you want more, God knows it, but you just can't get to it? yeah... The battle is the Lord's. we can't do it alone, but he will do it in his time. and then it will come like a flood and your pen won't be able to move fast enough! AND! Romans 8:18-27 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."
Back in Athens this coming Sunday!
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