dressed in black.

sometimes i can hear the coffee brewing through the bathroom wall, all the way into the kitchen. and i'm typing this as fast as i can, so i can drive through the rain to the place i feel the least like myself. work. the way i support myself. barely scraping by. sometimes i feel like i'm watching me walk through my days. i'm watching me not have any emotion. i'm watching me barely breathe. i am watching me alone. i would say that there is part of me that feels alone, but most of the time i am just alone. without going out of my door, i can know all things on earth. without looking out of my window, i could know the ways of heaven. the farther one travels, the less one knows. the less one knows. maybe i know less than i think i do. who knows what i'll find when i walk into the rain today? i think i've stopped asking for protection. and sometimes i want to take back the words i've said over the past 20 years... suck them back into my mouth. i would explode with words. they would be in my tears and my sweat for the rest of my life. they would all be waste. they were all wasted anyway. but this is the most i've talked in a long time. here. on this black. and i still can't trust. i still can't get it out. i don't think i've meant anything i've said in the past 72 hours... maybe longer. the past week. two weeks. who knows? she thinks of him and so she dresses in black, and though he'll never come back, she's dressed in black.