the same power.

expectations. who knew they were a good thing!? i sure didn't. but it hit me this morning. faith is being sure of what we HOPE FOR. seriously. so, faith is having expectations of god. of knowing his character so well that you expect his love and his mercy and compassion and goodness and faithfulness to freely flow. wow.

anyway, this past week has been a week of... shifting. of surrender. and of openness. a lot of my foundation is being shaken. you know, if you build a house on sand it doesn't make it through a storm. and you'd think that i would have learned my lesson by now, but when "sand" is all you know... it becomes your foundation.

this week [on wednesday] we went to the ymca again. at the end of the night i ended up in the fetal position on jackie's bed crying my eyes out. part of my foundation had been shaken. a lot of things i thought i had given to the lord, i realized i had just pushed aside. [a lot of times the things we "push aside" become part of our foundation if we aren't careful... that's what i learned]. something i had used to define myself was also something that the enemy used to break people's hearts and ruin people's lives. this continual heart revelation is hitting me hard. every day it goes a little bit deeper. this week, i think, a wall was torn down. one that no one had ever been able to touch. a lot of things i had invited into my life had light shed onto them... darkness scatters when light is shed. thank you, lord. ha.

so, yesterday i went to the cinema. slumdog millionaire. if you are easily affected by serious issues [like child prostitution and violent racism] i would advise you not to go see this movie. it broke my heart. to me, it wasn't just a movie. i guess they filmed it like this on purpose. but it was full of intensity, and sometimes my heart just can't take that much intensity. if you know me, you know already that i am an intense person by nature. something about this movie just broke something inside of me. one of our lectures a few weeks ago was about the apostolic calling. and how people with this calling feel a sense of responsibility when they see injustice. oh, how i see this in my life. also, one of the things that has been spoken over me [again and again and again since i've been here] is that i will carry the burdens of the lord. that my heart will break what breaks god's heart. that's a heavy calling. that's a hurtful and difficult mission. but if that's where god wants me, i will go. so, that's my prayer... "send me. i will go. pick me. i will go. take me. i will go."