polaroid conviction.

something i learned last week - it's so simple, really - is the difference between conviction and condemnation and how my life is affected by these two things. conviction is saying, "you have made a mistake," when condemnation screams, "you are a mistake." ahhh it's just so simple! because if a god who loves us as much as he really says he does [and he does!] then condemns us... it would contradict everything god is. and god is love. he doesn't have love. he doesn't know love. HE IS LOVE. and it's a love that lasts forever. everlasting. pure. simple. magnificent. beautiful. inspiring. our god is...

all of these things and more than we could ever imagine or understand.

i keep thinking about home. we've had a lot of down-time this week, which gives my brain time to process where i really am and what i'm really doing. it's scary. i'm not going to beat around the bush in this update, because i've done that with a lot of people already and it just really isn't the right way to tell everyone. the lord has called me to india. that's all i know right now. i am currently thinking about coming back to derby for an sofm (school of frontier mission) in september, which would give me about 2 months back home. and after that, then going to india. right now i'm trying not to give it much thought, because it will consume my mind, and i want my focus to be on what the lord is doing in my life and in this city, right now.

everyone keeps asking me what i'm doing, how things are going, am i happy, do i like my team, etc etc. i feel like a ragdoll. completely limp until god chooses to move me. i guess i want life to be this way, but it's hard. i gave a lot of things up the other day in one of our ministry times... things i've been living for and making my identity. i wrote them all down and i burned the piece of paper. i can't expect all of those things to never come up again, but i can expect the lord to help me and guide me in the way i should go.

anyway, we have lectures every day - two or three times a day. it just depends. they aren't the kind of lectures you can just sit back and half-listen to. [dangit. i thought i didn't go to school for a reason!] seriously though. it's awesome. we talked in our small group on friday about how incredible it was and how it just blew our minds that, literally, everything fits together the way it was intended to. friday our lectures were about the threshold covenant and the new covenant and how jesus kept them both without betraying either one. wow. the details that go into both, and even the jewish wedding and the cultures alive today that still practice these covenants. wow. literally, just wow. i couldn't not listen.

we're reading this book right now as part of our studies, and it's written by the founder of ywam and tells the story of how ywam began and how it grew, etc. it really is fascinating, and it really is inspiring to know that i am now part of an organization that has been through an incredible amount of opposition, but are still seeking god's face with such humble power. ahhh. it's good. anyway, there is this one part where he talks about a time that he goes to tonga and the lord tells him to pray and fast for a week at a specific couple's house. so, he goes there, the lord has told them that he is supposed to stay there, as well, and he begins his fasting and praying. as he's talking about what happens during that week, he calls it "soul surgery." he talks about how painful it is, and how much it hurt and how god had pointed out really specific things to him that needed to change and that he needed to repent of. ahh i read this part of this book, and i just cried, because that is exactly how i feel. it's like loren cunningham asked god for every ywam-er to go through this process at the beginning of their training, and god responded. i don't know. even from the first week, we are all different. even from last week, we are all different. and it's hard not to become a family when you are spiritually bound together and also living in the same house, eating every meal together, traveling together, going out together, etc etc. it is very rare that we ever have time alone. but the best part... is that we are a family. already. through the ups and the downs, and we still have things to figure out, but we are bound and woven together and it is beautiful. i really do love my team like they are my family. we take care of each other and fight for each other and love each other. and other people see that.

to be honest, i don't really know what else to say. there is too much going on for me to just sit down and write it all out during my quiet time, which is our only alone-time throughout the week. a lot of people have been asking me to write to them and tell them what's going on. i probably won't have much time to respond [if i do, i will try my hardest], but talking to people back home hasn't been the greatest thing for me in the past few days. it's sinking in that i'm not going "home" to stay ever again. i wonder if everyone who leaves home feels this way...